Got Consent ?

What's Consent ?

Consent is defined in the Sexual Offences (NI) Order 2008 as someone consents when they agree by choice, and have the freedom and capacity to make that choice. In Northern Ireland the age of consent is 16 for all sexual activity. Consent is an agreement to be sexual with someone by checking in that they want to be sexual with you. Asking for and giving consent is about setting boundaries by communicating with everyone in an honest, respectful and trustful way.  Consensual sex is a normal, pleasureful part of  healthy relationships 

Consent is as easy as FRIES

Freely given - consent is a choice that you make without pressure, coercion, or when under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Reversible - anyone can change their mind and stop at any time, even if you’ve already agreed to something

Informed - it’s only consent if you know exactly what you are agreeing to.

Enthusiastic - everyone should be keen and excited about what’s happening, not just tolerant of it. If their words or body language seem hesitant, stop and check in.

Specific - giving consent to do one thing on one occasion, doesn’t mean you’ve agreed to do other things at other times.


FREELY GIVEN 

Consent is a  personal choice, without being pressured or coerced (i.e. influenced by alcohol /drugs, living up to expectations of partners, friends or society. ) You decide what happens to your body by setting personal boundaries and respecting others. 

Someone who is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, is unconscious, or is vulnerable and doesn’t fully understand the situation (such as due to certain learning disabilities or mental health conditions), cannot give consent.

Consent is only freely given if you want to do it, and other people haven’t made you feel guilty, awkward or difficult for saying no. This kind of pressure is called coercion and it can be physical or emotional pressure.

An example of not giving consent freely could be a partner putting pressure on you to have particular sexual activity that you are uncomfortable with.

REVERSIBLE


You can change your mind about any activity - whether it be kissing, sex or anything else - at any point, even if you’re halfway through. You get to decide what happens to your body, and if you become uncomfortable, stop enjoying it, or just need a break, you have every right to say stop at any time and the other person needs to respect your decision. You do not need to feel bad or apologise, even if the other person seems annoyed. And if the other person doesn’t stop, this is assault. There is support available and you are not alone.

 

An example of reversing consent could be  you agree to oral sex and your partner wants to move to the next stage and have penetrative sex, you initially agree but then change your mind and decide that you don't  want to do this.

INFORMED

When you say yes to doing something, you are only agreeing to that one thing. For example, if you said you’d want to kiss someone, you are not giving them permission to have sex. All parties need to know exactly what they’re saying yes to, and they should check in with their partner(s) regularly to make sure they’re still happy with what’s happening. It’s important to communicate about plans and boundaries so everyone stays informed and in control. No one has claim over your body, and you get to decide exactly what you do with it.

You need to be in possession of the full facts before making informed consent. If the other person doesn't give your the full facts then consent cannot be given. 

An example of informed consent could be a partner agreeing to wear a condom during sex and then removing the condom. 

ENTHUSIASTIC

No means no, but so does “I’m not sure”, “I guess so” and silence. Consent should be enthusiastic, and all parties should be happy and excited about what’s happening. If your partner seems hesitant, quiet or anxious, stop and check in with them, and remember that cues can be verbal or non-verbal, so keep an eye out for body language as well as words. 

Flirting and wearing revealing clothing are also not consent - how someone chooses to speak or dress is their personal preference and is not an invitation for sexual activity, only explicit and enthusiastic consent is. If it’s not an eager yes, it’s not a yes at all.

An example of enthusiastic consent could be saying "yes" freely and voluntarily. and continuously expressing comfort and pleasure – smiling, nodding, making eye contact. Periodically checking in with your partner, such as asking “Is this still okay?” is also a good way to show consent. 

SPECIFIC

Agreeing to do something with someone on one occasion does not mean you’ve agreed to do something else, or even the same thing on a different occasion. Kissing someone at a party does not mean they are allowed to kiss you at the next one, and the same rule applies to all sexual activity. Consent is needed for ALL and EACH activity, including kissing, touching, oral sex and penetrative sex. This still applies if you’re in a relationship and you think you know them well enough to not have to ask. Consent needs to be specific to that moment and that activity.


An example of specific consent could have consensual sexual activity with someone and then you go to sleep. When you wake up any  new sexual activity taking place needs new agreement and consent before taking place. 

How  do I talk about Consent?

It's really important that everyone communicates about what they are happy with and what you are not comfortable doing. Just be honest and clear about your sexual needs, interests and desires and respect your partners wishes also. Remember talking about sex is a positive.

Asking for consent can start with "Do you want to ?" "Would you like me to ?" "How would you feel about?" Receiving consent should involve a positive response- such as Yes, Yeah or lets try that. Also pay attention to body language 

If they say no or seem uncomfortable - they  haven't consented.

Also check in with them throughout the sexual activity by asking "do you like that" "do you want to continue" "if you are not into that we can stop?"


What’s sexual assault and what’s rape?

Without consent it's sexual assault. 

Rape, sexual abuse and sexual assault are all forms of sexual violence and against the law in Northern Ireland. Sexual assault refers to any non consensual activity and rape means sexual contact involving penetration.  Sexual violence can happen to anyone however there are certain groups that are dis-proportionally  affected including woman, members of the LGBTQ and people with neurodiversity. 

Sexual violence can happen in different ways and is often carried out by someone the victim knows. A weapon doesn't need to be involved or the victim doesn't need to fight back, say no or scream for this to be counted as sexual assault or rape. There are lots of myths about how people react during a sexual assault and usually the body goes into freeze mode which is a unconscious protective factor. 


To recap